The Chase that Never Ends
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The Chase that Never Ends
For the woman who can’t stop ticking boxes even when she is breaking inside.
by Sophia Gittings | 30 Jan 2025
When everything looks fine, but feels wrong
I started my career very young.
Straight after studying, I stepped into a corporate job that felt exciting and grown up. I was still in my late teens. I had a uniform, structure, a clear path.
It felt safe.
It felt validating.
Over the years, I moved through different roles, took trainings, grew within the company.
I stayed there for 22 years.
From the outside, my life made sense.
When self doubt becomes a quiet companion
In my early twenties, my life began to unravel in ways I did not yet have language for.
I went through deeply tumultuous experiences that shook my sense of safety, trust, and self worth.
Experiences that left me carrying anger, grief, and uncertainty while still trying to function. Still trying to hold everything together. Still trying to be the version of myself the world expected.
I questioned myself constantly.
Was I enough
Was I lovable
Was I doing life properly
Depression entered my life during this time.
Not as a mystery.
And not without cause.
It was a response.
A response to living through emotionally destabilising experiences while being expected to cope, perform, and carry on as normal.
At the time, I did not see it that way.
I believed the problem was me.
For seventeen years, I was on medication, trying to manage something I did not yet understand.
What I know now is this.
My depression was not a personal failure.
It was a sign of disconnection from myself after years of emotional survival.
“My body knew something my mind had not yet caught up to.”
When the body leads before the mind
The one place I felt different was in my body.
Long before yoga entered my life, movement was my refuge.
The gym became my escape. The only place I felt strong, capable, present.
When I was moving my body, the self doubt softened.
Even if only for an hour.
My body knew something my mind had not yet caught up to.
Yoga entered quietly.
At first, it was just a Sunday stretch class after the gym. Nothing profound. Nothing spiritual.
Until one day, it was.
Coming home
Looking back, I can see it clearly.
There was nothing wrong with me.
I was not failing.
I was not ungrateful.
I was not lost.
I was disconnected from who I was.
And I was allowed to want more.
I share this because I know how many women are living good lives while quietly feeling something is missing.
If this resonates, I share reflections like this in my weekly emails.
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